A Tribute to an Unneeded Accessory
Posted in General on 10/10/2002 12:02 pm by SeanI was howling by the end of the first paragraph, and it only gets better.
This was a review of the Cadillac Escalade By Car and Driver
The Escalade EXT is Cadillac’s answer to the Avalanche, not that anyone at Chevrolet actually asked the question. But someone must have, because an EXT showed up in our parking lot, and 5900 pounds of black Cadillac is hard to miss. You could think of the EXT as an Avalanche but with a 345-hp “Vortec H.O. Engineered Exclusively for Cadillac Motor Division.” That’s what it says on the EXT’s engine shroud. In our opinion, this truck could have been called an Avalade or an Escalanche but not a Lanchelade. If you combined a Ford Ranchero and a Chevy El Camino, you’d have a Ranchamino. Remove the “R” and the first syllable is “anch,” same as the last syllable of Avalanch. Coincidence? (You really need to move on, okay?—Ed.)
Or you could think of the EXT as a shrine to Harry’s Big and Tall. It’s as long as a 1977 Fleetwood Brougham d’Elegance with Florentine velour cloth and a Tuxedo Grain vinyl roof. The Cadillac wreath on the EXT’s nose is 6.25 inches across, as big as your average acorn squash. The radiator hose is four feet long. The chrome “Escalade EXT” badges on the front doors and tailgate are each a foot and a half long. Each running board exceeds a Porsche 911′s wheelbase. The truck bed’s walls are 10 inches thick. The rear-seat armrest is 15 inches wide. Pee Wee Leaguers will find the column-mounted shifter useful as a hockey stick. One of the dash panels consumes six square inches yet contains only one button—for the “Power Fold Mirrors,” whose mallardlike flapping, by the way, holds preschoolers paralyzed in fascination. The passenger-side grab bar is two feet long. The 45-inch-wide CHMSL looks like something a vandal might have pried off the Caesars Palace sign in Las Vegas. (John, did you drive this vehicle at all?—Ed.)
(very long article ahead)