Do you ever get that little nagging feeling in the back of your mind that you’re not doind something correctly? I’ve had that feeling in the back of my head for the past couple of days, while working on my second programming assignment for my Algorithms course. This morning in the shower (where all moments of pure brilliance occur) the nagging went away and everything was clear to me all of a sudden. It was an absolutely amazing feeling to know that, finally, I understood how things fell into place with the program. Will wonders never cease.
The Man Codes
This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be….
1. Thou shall not rent the movie “Chocolate.”
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father,priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call B.S. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up together, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy’s ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If another man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem — you didn’t see nothin’.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.
17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy’s girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal’s significant others — low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.
18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel…and it’s free.
21. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
23. If a buddy is outnumbered, out-manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin”, then you may sit back and enjoy.
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you best be referring to his beer.
26. Never talk to a man in the bathroom.
27.If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him…too gay.
28.Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye,and deliver a “Leave me alone!” You are absolved of your responsibility.
Nothing like a little stupidity to wake you up in the morning. I don’t drink coffee so this will have to do.
Scenario: Kat and Sean both leave for work at about the same time. Kat gets out the door first today and I am about 5 minutes behind. I grab the trash and some stuff to return at Home Depot, partially open the door and lock the bottom lock from the inside. Push myself outside the door and then close it.
Realization hits about .000000002 seconds after the lock clicks. Crap. Not only did I just lock my keys in the house, but my cell phone is in there too. No phone calls to Kat to rescue my bumbling brain.
Resolution: Well, I used to do this at my folks house when i got locked out. Time to climb the porch (note: we live on the 2nd floor). Luckily my innate monkey skills (I wish I had a tail sometimes) are still with me and I heft myself up onto the back deck. We tend to leave the door open there so I get inside, grab my phone, grab my keys and head out the same door that I had locked earlier. This took all of 5 minutes, so I still got to work on time 🙂
Cheap thrills my friends, cheap thrills.