Casa De Morrill

Tonight, Sean and I curled up and watched “Pushing Tin” with John Cusack. You’re typical John Cusack film with John Cusack playing John Cusack. It had a really good message in it, though, that has really summed up a lot of my, no, just about all of my frustration over the past year or so. It’s really hard for me to put this down in words on a website. I would usually write this in my private journal where no one except for me would ever read it. But, I feel that this needs to get out as partly an apology to anybody that I’ve been cross with who hasn’t deserved it and as a thanks to those of my friends who have put up with me when I’ve been in one of my “moods.” If you don’t want to know a personal part of me, then stop reading right now, because you are not who I’m writing this to. Otherwise, please feel free to continue.

Growing up was an interesting experience. I had two brothers who were far enough ahead of me that whenever I felt I had done something special, they had “already seen it, done it, no big deal.” My parents were the only two people in my family (extended and close, as I was also the youngest in my extended family) that really congratulated me for making any special accomplishment. It became my goal in life to do something that the rest of my family didn’t do. Something that I could be known for. I studied as hard as I could and I excelled in academics. I was on Academic Team (Scholar’s Bowl) and my team went to State and did well. I played cello and piano, something that neither of my brothers had ever excelled at. But, of course, music was something that my cousin’s were always infinitely better than me at, so it was only a small accomplishment.

Moving away to school enabled me to move away from my family and try to find my niche among fellow students. I was the female computer geek. In the classes that I took as electives, I was usually the only female in the class. During my junior year Special Project, I did a Digital Design where we built a computer. I spent 5 days locked away in a room building computers and bonding with 8 other males. I had something that made me unique, if perhaps a small oddity. It didn’t matter to me, as I was in a school where everyone had to excel at something academically, otherwise we didn’t belong at that school.

Going to Furman, I was one of two students on campus that were in the Pre-Engineering track and I, again, was the only female. I was the computer geek in my dorm. When a computer didn’t work, I was called before the help desk was. I had my niche that people recognized me for. Then, I came to UAH. There were more female EE majors. That wasn’t too big of a deal, though, as I had lots of things that interested me that didn’t interest others. It was also at this time that I eventually moved in with my two current roommates. They shared many similar interests with me which I found truly wonderful, as it gave me people to talk to.

But, recently, I’ve noticed more and more that we get known for what we do and love. Jessica is the grill queen and anime queen and the “funny person to watch when she gets drunk.” Heather is astronomy queen and cooking queen and cello queen. Jeff is the EE guru. Amy is domesti-foo queen and designfoo goddess. Gareth is codefoo god. Sean is endearingly known as “horticulture boy.” Hrm… wow, I seem to share interests with all of these, but have nothing that I apparently excel at above all else. I love grilling and can’t wait to move to a house where I can have a large grill. I grew up watching anime and have made a great effort to watch whatever anime I can possibly get my hands on (excepting the porn anime). I enjoy drinking, but sorry, I don’t make a fool of myself when I get drunk. I enjoy the stars and have even taken an astronomy class to learn more. I grew up absorbing what knowledge my mother could pass down about cooking and what she has not taught me, I have either learned on my own or read about through cookbooks or watched on shows. I love to spend days in the kitchen just cooking. I’ve played the cello for 14 years and I have a decent amount of talent. I am certainly no Ma, but I am good in my own right. I am a CPE major. I know circuits, I know how to build computers and I am learning how they work. I am even taking that a step further and learning the basic programming that must go into any computer before you can use higher level programming such as Perl and C++ and any other higher-level language. I enjoy domestic tasks. I love to spin and hope that when I have the room/money, I can invest in an actual spinning wheel. I enjoy sewing and would like to own a sewing machine so that I can become more proficient at it. I enjoy decorating and am looking forward to the day I have my own home and can go wild decorating it with my taste. I am learning to hold my own when it comes to higher-level coding. Yes, not only am I bothering to understand all the basic intricacies of computers and how it communicates, but also the higher-levels of languages and how they work.

I might not be as good at some of these things than apparently some of us are, but does that mean that I know nothing? Just because I’m not the best at it doesn’t mean that I don’t care about or I don’t consider it a passion of mine. I’m not a wine connoisseur, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t pick a decent wine to go with what I am eating. We get so wrapped up in finding titles for each other and tough shit to those who have no titles. I know, because I’m guilty of it myself. I’m guilty of yearning for the very titles that I scorn in others and I will admit that it has upset me and put me in an ill mood many times before.

I’m not entirely sure what I’m saying anymore. I needed to get all of this out, though. It has built up inside and pops out every once in a while. When I watched that movie, though, and saw the main character get eaten away with anger and jealousy at the very thing that upset me a lot, it really made me think. He moved on with his life after his epiphany. Perhaps it will take one of my own before I can move on with my life. For now, though, I guess I will have to do with just settling for being myself, the whole “jack-of-all-trades” that I am and master of none, apparently. That is who I am, though. I can’t change the fact that there are people out there that apparently are so much terribly better at everything I do than I am. Just think twice when you ignore what talents somebody does possess, no matter how small.